I've been writing posts in my head for days. I thought since I felt so good about getting a "schedule" down it'd be easier, funner, to write. But I'm having a hard time with it all. I'm unsure of my writing. I'm unsure of my topics. I'm unsure if I'm reaching anyone, if anyone is reading. (I do know I have a few dedicated friends that read everything I post- thank you all.) And some times I just write for myself, to get things off my mind, heart, out of my head, just let things flow. But lately I'm struggling with that too. I'm trying to take life in a different direction, trying not to dwell on things and move forward into a happier, more serene place. A place of peace. But that comes a more mundane life. I could focus on just a few topics, like homeschooling, special needs kids and parenting, or country living. But all these things are too new to me to make much out of them, I just don't have the advice to give out that others do, nor the experience of doing any of it successfully.
I looked at what posts of mine (here on this blog) are the post popular and was a bit to surprised to see which- Bottle Tree, a silly little post about someday having a bottle tree in my yard (like the one in Winn-Dixie), My Husband's a Chicken Catcher, and O's eye repair surgery, are the one moving up. My few on home birth still get hits but not like before. What this tells me is people are looking for very specific things when they find my blog. On my other blog you can tell the weirdos are out by the key words that are used- ones that you know someone has a fetish about. (They are not going to find the pics they think they are.) And because of some of this I feel like taking a break. I'm questioning my writing. I'm questioning what I should be writing about. I wish I had some better direction to go in. And some indication that I am touching someone and not just letting my words go into the wind, unheard.
I am too passionate to sit down and write clever pieces about breastfeeding, home birth, co-sleeping, vaccinations, or any of the other things I do and feel right about. There's too much emotion tied up in them. I've been seeing and reading so much negativity lately. Posts about How to Be an Unhappy Mom, Why Un-vaxed Kids Shouldn't be Allowed in Public School and the like. The mommy wars are still there and I want to fight them but am not clear headed enough to do so. I run with emotions, not always getting the facts out. Not able to make a good "case" for or against how I'm feeling in the moment. And when I step back, I tend to go too far away and loose that passion. Forgetting to go back and say what I wanted, or when I do the topic is old news.
I love to write. I love to share. But lately it's so unfocused, time is not on my side and my priorities have shifted some. I don't get time often, where I feel free to sit down and take up time, to just write. Everyone wants the computer. And everyone needs me. I feel pulled in too many directions.
Maybe taking on an extra blog wasn't what I should've done. Maybe I need to take one down. I still feel drawn to doing A's blog- its a whole new journey and there's so few writing about it out there.
I started writing this blog a week ago. And I was interrupted were it breaks. This happens a lot. And part of the problem. I'm still not sure what I'm doing with this, my writing/blogging.
I'm discouraged at the moment. I feel drawn to write, to share some things. But there's been a shift in me, and not entirely bad. But just because I'm drawn here doesn't mean I'm doing the right thing. I don't know if I I'm reaching many people, and I think it really shouldn't matter, even if I'm just reaching one that should be enough. But it's not.
There are times I sit down and just write and when I get up done, I see the time and think how much was "wasted". "Wasted". What I'm putting out there feels like wasted time. There's always things to do here that feel more important, that I can see tangible results in. I've been knitting more and I can see my progress, my creativity coming it. Yes I can see it in writing but in writing I need readers, otherwise it just feels like I'm thinking out loud on paper. (And now I realize I need to put more effort into supporting other bloggers out there by commenting on their blogs and not just reading. They touch me, make me think, strive to be a better me and I should thank them for their part. Because we should treat others as we'd like to be treated, right?)
So I'm still debating what I need to do. Give writing a break? Cut out a blog? Just write when I have the time? This last option feels wrong, I did that for a long while when we first moved here and I feel its distanced me from the blogging world, from my readers and from myself. Do I change it all up again? Will I loose newer readers if I go back to how I was blogging a few years ago? What are people looking for in my blog? (Besides bottle trees, chicken catching, and pinterest pizza muffins.) What kind of blogger am I? What's my genre?
I am growing, at least at the moment. Trying to keep the negative I was feeling away. I don't want to write about that anymore. But I don't know what to write about anymore. I wish I worked for someone who could tell me do a piece on This. Some direction.
I've decided to remove my comment moderation (again) for this blog. I read a blog (or few) recently that said she'd love to comment on blogs she was reading, would type in her comment, click submit then would be faced with capcha, and would just delete it all. Capcha may be keeping comments away. I personally don't comment when there's capcha, especially when I'm reading on my phone, because (she's right) its become a pain in the arse. (It wasn't so bad before but its gotten harder over the last year.) I know the spam will come back but I'll just have to be diligent in watching for it- I watch what my kids are exposed to, I should be able to watch my blog and what some are posting.
No real decisions right now. But if you are a regular reader there may be a slowing down of posts and/or a change in directions. As I change so does this blog. Because it truly is an extension of me.