Coming Home: Our Home Birth Story of Little J

13 years ago I had a wishful thought while laying in bed pregnant with baby #3, wouldn't it be nice to give birth right here in my own bed and not have to go to the hospital and deal with all That. It took 3 more children, 3 more hospital births and lots of unacceptable treatment for me to find the resolve and courage to fulfill my dream. Simply it started this pregnancy with being tired of fighting- tired of having to fight to be treated normal and to have a natural pregnancy and birth, to convince myself and husband this was the right choice for us this time. I am not sick nor is this an emergency- I was doing what I'd done 6 times before and had done well each time. I could do this without labels or fear. I could do this how I felt I was supposed to- peacefully at home with loving husband and supportive midwives. I could birth how nature intended me to.

(waiting for contractions to start)

It started much like you see on TV (but the ending was not one of us rushing out to the car and to the hospital, and into a room with frantic staff. It was a normal home birth, with us relaxed and able to take it as it came and in our own way)- I woke to my waters breaking at about 12:45. I thought to myself "I can't be peeing myself", sat up and felt a much larger gush. "Nope, not peeing." I stood up to go down to the bathroom and the floor at my feet got soaked. I had a passing thought of letting my husband sleep a bit longer- thinking it'd be awhile till things really got going, but quickly changed my mind, when I found I couldn't take a single step without huge gushes of water streaming down my leg. I needed help and needed to ask for it, and that's what he was there for.

"C, I'm pretty sure my water broke". "Oh!" and he was up! We made our way downstairs, to be welcomed by my eldest still awake. "Are you having the baby?" were her first words to me. I ignored her, even think I said "no" just so she wouldn't get to worked up and wake up all the other children in the house. But just a few minutes later we had to admit the lie and fess up that indeed my water had broken, and we were calling my midwife.

C put the call in at 1am. My water had broken, E (my midwife) asked a few questions to make sure that was what is was and concluded as we did, suggested we try and lay back down and rest, since contractions hadn't started yet and to call her when they did.

(contractions start 1:24 am)

1:24 am the first contraction, or rush, as I tried to call them during my labor, came on. Not the hit you like a train kind but the ones you'd imagine having- the "oh this is really it" kind. They came on their own time and in their own time frame, starting at about 5 mins apart, 1-2 minutes in duration, and steadily got stronger. The rushes never got much closer together until the very end but the intensity definitely got stronger! lol

At about 1:45 am C called E back to let her know the contractions had started and they were about 5 minutes apart. She thought there would still be some time before things really got moving and stated she'd call back in an hour- or if things started moving faster we could call her back. That hour seemed to go by fast, with contractions getting stronger with each one and lasting longer in duration, they were still about 5 minutes apart though, so they did give me time in between to relax and calm (much different than the camel back contractions I had thanks to the Pit I had with most-5/6, of my other children). I started to feel like I needed to be out of the family space of the downstairs and back upstairs in the safety and quiet of my own bedroom. So we migrated there.

(meeting my boy 4:34 am)

We knew little C would have to moved out of our room, in the hopes he'd continue to sleep (no such luck!), so my C carried him down and into our eldest's bed. There she laid with him till giving up on putting on Diego for him. She was a trooper, caring for him for the next 6 hours, until finally she was ordered to bed and our middle daughter, P, took over and she finally got him to sleep.

During the migration up the two short flights of stairs to our bedroom the rushes started coming harder, thank you stairs. And I found I also am grateful for our bedroom being in a finished attic- those dormer walls came in really handy in helping support me through some of the worst. I tried every position I'd seen or heard of to get and stay comfortable but there were only two that worked well- standing/walking while holding onto the walls and sitting on the edge of the bed or this bean bag tree stump thinging we have. Hands and knees rocking didn't do it. Laying down brought back memories of the hospital and squatting hurt my knees. Gravity was my friend.

(loving support from one of my midwives)

It's about 2:45 am when E calls again to see how things are going and C tells her the contractions are closer and stronger now, with even less time in between. She's going to call her back up and start getting her stuff together and making her way over. I feel better knowing she's soon on her way. I had been feeling a bit like I had to wait, that I needed her here before letting go and moving much further ahead.

Here I want to inject a bit of praise for my husband. My man is absolutely the perfect man for me, in childbirth and in life. He knows how to anticipate my needs and support me (both emotionally and physically) fully. He knows when I need something and brings it to me, even when I don't- he never left my side during a rush. And in between he run to get what was needed- ice, gatorade, water, the tree stump. He knew to set everything out the MWs needed, and to make the bed in the 2 sets of sheets and plastic curtain. He knew when to get close to help me through a rush, or step back and not touch. He was in sync with me and I knew he was always there. All I had to do was say his name, even in a whisper. More to come on his heroic (to me) deeds.

(love his smell)

I think very soon after this I moved from active labor into transition. I was swearing up a storm and very aware of the difference between earlier and then. Also aware of the stages of labor and when I thought I was. During my hospital births I felt disconnected from my thoughts and body, not remembering what was supposed to happen next. At home I was just more aware and able to keep in step more, no fear to creep in.

Oh I am not saying I was clear headed in the least- because I was not! I was trying to communicate my thoughts and needs but I couldn't string two words together. I was being suggested to try different positions but couldn't say "no, that one doesn't help" all I could say most of the time was f**k. But it was clear in my head. I moved from my wall support to C and stayed there. He now became my wall.

I started to feel pushy- even more than the poop feeling I had been having since my water broke. (I really needed to go but my body wouldn't let me.) And asked C to call E and see where she was. He told I was feeling ready to push and she was on her way already, this was about 3:30 am. I held it back a few more contractions, tried sitting on the edge of the bed to slow things down a bit but that didn't last long.

(bonding time)

I was back up on my feet. E was calling saying she was just looking for a parking spot (living in the city in the middle of a very snowy winter there's only parking on one side and the spaces are very limited). Before I knew it she was there and breaking out our supplies. C was holding me upright and I so ready to be pushing. Now I'm sure there are things I don't remember and things that were said but hey I was giving birth, so I have a good excuse.

I decided I needed to sit. I couldn't articulate the thoughts to words that were in my head. I was feeling like everything I was trying wasn't working, comfort measures wise. And all I could get out was "I don't know what to do." C and E were so supportive, telling me yes I do I've done this before. But I was a little frustrated with myself, only because I couldn't verbalize what I wanted to say. I tried again, that I didn't know what to do as in positions and breathing. That I had been trapped in my hospital births, made to stay in bed on my side or back and being free to move and find my own positions was what was "wrong". Granted I didn't say it as eloquently as now- it came out in broken sentences, in between rushes.

(Da holding his boy for the first time)

E set out the chux pads, and prepared for baby's arrival. C was always right there within arms reach. I was still sitting on the edge of the bed and E suggested I lay back because I wouldn't be able to push him out with the lip of the bed in the way but I knew I didn't want to be laying so mustered the drive to stand and tried to hook my arms around C's neck. I couldn't hold back the urge to push anymore, and followed natures lead.

(a wonderful thing about HB- Da can do skin to skin with J)

I remember the first push and feeling the "ring of fire" and stating it out right. Just one more push and he was crowning. I don't know why but at that moment I felt the need to step closer to the bed, maybe to use it as a support, maybe I was fleeing. C says I almost fell and he had to hold me tighter, evidence of this was seen on my bicep a few days later! lol Another push and his head was out. E asked C if he wanted to catch the baby, which had been the plan, but at that moment he knew he couldn't let go of me and forfeited his right to keep supporting me. (My Super Man) Just as babe was crowning J (E's mentor and back up MW) arrived and slipped right into where she was needed, on the bed, there to support me when needed. One last push and little man was there!

I was turned around and sat down into the waiting arms and lap of J. Who held me as I held my new son. This was again exactly what I needed when I needed it. The calm, love and confidence J was emitting I soaked up quickly. Little J was here and indeed a boy. He was a bit blue and having a hard time getting out the gunk in his lungs (this is nothing to worry about- with fast pushing stages the little ones body and subsequently their lungs don't get squeezed enough to get it out while being birthed. Generally in a hospital this is when they whisk away babe and start using suction to clear baby's throat, mouth and lungs.) in our home birth he was left on me with J rubbing his back and us getting him to cry. To naturally help him do it on his own. He cried big cries.

I was still feeling really tender and uncomfortable in, on, my bottom area, E took a look and saw that my placenta had already detached and was partially sitting on the lip of my birth canal. She asked me to move to the end of the bed, push once and out it easily slid. Oh the pleasure of delivering the placenta. Baby was left on his placenta for, as I recall, at least 30 minutes- even though it had stopped pulsating. He got all of his blood back, something we really wanted to wait for. I laid in J's arms a bit longer than moved up to my pillows, to love on and bond with my new son.

(Back with mama)

Little J was born on Thursday, January 20th, 2011 @ 4:34 am. Under the full Wolf moon, on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius. The 7th child. 7 lbs 14 oz. 19 3/4 inches long. Peacefully at home, after just 3 and a half hours of labor and 4 pushes.

(Our placenta~ we kept it to bury come spring, hopefully under a new tree)

He and I laid there for a while together, him on my chest. He started the "boob crawl" (as my husband calls it) or "milk crawl" as more widely known. And I tried to bring him to breast but my after pains were as intense as many of my rushes and I couldn't concentrate enough to help him get a good latch. With each after pain, like during labor, I swore like a sailor. I was encouraged to try and pee (Success!) and drink some liquids, both of which helped, more than the OTC pain killers I took. C was right there with gatorade and ice chips, knowing how each was important and how much I needed them but wasn't remembering to ask for them- reading my mind again. I finally was able to let go and turn little J over to Da to bond. And watching C with his new son made me bond to them both even more. C was able to do skin to skin with J, something he didn't get to do with lil' C. And they just sat there soaking in each other and their scents.

(6 am getting checked out)

Time was an illusion. What felt like minutes was more like an hour or more. It was time to check J out. His lungs were clearing, and breathing was better- nothing to be alarmed about anymore. He had all ten fingers and toes. Both testicles were descended (something C and I looked for because lil' C had one at birth that was not. Lil' C's has since dropped and is no longer a concern.). His heart rate was good and his color was better. His body was pink but face was still a bit blue. I loved watching him being weighed in the traditional "fish scale" way- so fun and made our whole home birth seem more real and concrete. Our boy may be a bit blue but other wise perfect.

(a little gunk in his lungs but healthy otherwise)

7:30 am and the other children were coming in to meet the newest member. First was P, who's the little mama of the girls. Then R, who you could tell was over tired and overwhelmed with all she was taking on- she was ordered to bed and her responsibilities handed over to P. Then T, B and O came together (the only one that slept through all the excitement was B- everyone else was up by 5 am). All thought their new brother was the cutest thing! Last came lil' C, and having everyone else come first was good because C thought J was a basketball and tried to palm him! Not what anyone was expecting.

(Fish weighing!)

E and J made sure I was doing well and had my needs met. Prepared compresses and tea, bath soaks and cleaned up. E made sure I knew how to use the golden seal cord care on J's stump (oh by the way in the hospital they use those plastic clamps on the umbilical cord- E used string! Love it!) and J told me what to watch for with J's breathing and to keep him on his side in case he spit out some of the gunk that was in his lungs. Then they were gone. And J and I napped and cuddled and successfully got him on the breast.

(less blue)

I was in a content and dreamy place for the next few days. I did it! I had my home birth and it was good. Yes fast and it took me awhile to be able to process it but healing and wonderful. I was so aware the whole time, never had that foggy haze. And remember so much now, more than the others. J is a child born at home, to a mother who most health care professionals would say took a danerous risk but as I see it I am a success story. Able to break free of fear and generalizations to do what came natural and trust myself and my body. I thought I wasn't able to go into labor on my own, or keep labor going (this is what I was told after my first child was born after induction at 42 wks and carried with me for the rest of my babes.) but I can and I did. No holds barred I did it naturally!

(not our 1st feed- missed a pic of that, but a beautiful one in his first day!)

Thank you to my wonderful Super Man husband- who for the first days after J's birth did EVERYTHING I do normally and some better than me! Who lost his job to care for us. Who is the best man for me ever. Thank you E and J- for being there exactly when they were needed and knowing exactly what to say and do and when to say and do it. For believing in me and treating me with respect and listening to me, when others weren't. Thank you to my girls- for stepping up and taking on what I knew they could. Thank you to my mother- for all her help. Thank you D- for your love and support and for trying your best. Thank you to all my mama friends- you're love and support have helped get me through, not just this birth and babymoon but life for the past almost 3 years. I love you all!

Baby J is Here!

No this is not my birth story post...yet- I'll get there soon, I hope. I'm still processing and adjusting to the new guy and life's unexpected set backs. But this is a bit of an announcement of sorts:

J born at home, on 1/20/11 @ 4:34am after a short 3.5 hour labor. Weighing in at 7lbs 14oz and 19 3/4 inches long! He's my best nurser yet and loves to sleep. A bit of a serious guy already and very contemplative.

Born on the January Full Moon- the Wolf Moon, on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius. Numerology wise he's a 7 (1+2+0+2+0+1+1=7, his birth date added together) - the seventh child of his mother. These things mean much to me and I can't wait to look into them deeper.

And now for a pic!

Birth Story to follow soon... I aim for another week!

Birth Affirmations

I know I'll need some help, from the inside and from the outside, to bring this next little one into the world- this time around there will not be an option for drugs and it's all on me. I'm not scared to face this but went on a search for words of encouragement and love to get me through. Words that inspire and ground. Words that connect me to my high power and give me strength. I found six affirmations that do this. And want to share- some are very birth centered. Some are good for just living life and making it through tough situations.

*"The Same movements that get the baby in,

Get the baby out."

*"Focus on what you can do.

Then do it with All Your Heart."

*"You're Braver that you Believe,

Stronger that you Seem,

And Smarter then you Think."

*"My body is so open that

my baby

just slides out and into my arms."

*"I am Calm,

I am Safe,

I am Relaxed."

*"My body is strong enough

to birth this baby."

(I'm sorry I don't know the authors to these affirmations but they are inspiring.)

I've made a birth window which I plan to use as a meditation point, an inspiration point, and grounding spot for when I need a little extra help. It's an old 6 paned window I've cleaned up. Then for 3 of the panes I created Mandalas drawings (a round/circular drawing) that came from my heart. In the other 3 panes I wrote out 2 of each of these birth affirmations (with emphasis on the focusing words) on pieces of paper and attached them to the inside of the panes. I'll hang this in my room in a place where I can just be. I also wrote out each of these affirmations on post-it notes and will hang them in key locations around my house- finding the "best" place for each one. So as I pace and hover and wander there will be a guide to help me make it to the next phase, contraction or step. (I'll edit this post later with a photo of my window.)

Do you have an affirmation- birth or just for living- that you'd care to share? Please feel free to share yours below. Everyone could use a good inspiring thought in a bad (and in good) moment.

Walking My Home Birth Path

After 6 births and 7 pregnancies (working on the 7th birth soon) I am an experienced laborer. But by no means do I feel that I am some kind of birth guru, expert or enthusiast. I don't have a passion to run out and tell others how they should do it, or at this point have a desire to help to bring others' babes into this world- it's not my calling. What I do have is a desire, a longing, a need to have a more natural, spiritual and connected birth. Without fear, or regrets, or hindrances. I've had 6 very similar hospital births, 6 very similar stories and each time has left me feeling let down. Not at all in the beautiful babies I birthed but in myself and my own abilities. Feeling like I missed something. Feeling like I didn't trust myself. Couldn't do what I'm supposed to do.
This has a lot to do with what I was told after my first birth and while pregnant with my 2nd- That my body can't make/do contractions right. That my uterus was weak. All because I didn't progress as quickly as liked when induced with my first. (For the record I was started on Pit at 5ish in the afternoon and she was born at about 2:30am the next day, so in all total just 8+ hours of labor) And also because I had to be induced, because I was almost 42 weeks and she was getting too big (she weighed in at 8 lbs 12oz.). While in labor with my 2nd I stalled out at 7 cms and again this proved to the Drs. my uterus was weak- never mind the impersonal, uncaring "care" I was receiving, paper pushers coming into the room to watch me labor/birth (because I was the only woman on the unit in labor), or the fact the doctor was a male or that my partner was too busy watching TV to even get me ice, or finally that I nurse I had treated me poorly because I was a second time teen mom and lower than the low. I was my fault.
While pregnant with my 3rd I had a fleeting thought, while laying in bed one morning, how nice it'd be just to birth there, but I never really knew this was an option (at the time). That pregnancy I received much better care from Midwives but was still induced at almost 42 weeks because she too was getting too big (8 lbs. 10oz). Again the old thought that had been put in my head (and now was in my heart) came back. I was made to carry and grow good healthy babies but not birth them without help from Pit.
My 4th birth was similar to my 2nd- stalled out at 7 cms and this time given help (by the Pit) to finish my labor. I did have the most supportive MW this time around and let me control everything (but position) in the pushing phase. It was one of my best births and the feelings I had remained positive, I helped me trust my body some for the first time.
This trust was carried over to my 5th birth, but that one was different in many more ways than one. It started off by my water breaking at 34 weeks (not a slow leak either- a huge gush that never stopped. I know believe it had to do with a very bad cough I had and leaning on the sink while having a fit- the doubled pressure causing my bag to break.) and being on Pit to get labor going for 2 days. The threat of a C-section loomed over my head as each day passed. In retrospect had I had an OB probably wouldn't have been given that much time on Pit (esp at the end of the first full day on Pit and being on the max dose.) but I was lucky enough to have the same MWs that delivered my previous two. And on the third day the Pit worked and he was born less than 6 hrs after the start of the days round. The same MW delivered him as my 4th and again she let me lead.
While pregnant with my 6th I became more informed on birth and the process- I knew much better what I wanted to do but getting there was a battle against my body and gestational diabetes. I needed meds to help control my blood sugars and the clinic had policies (not letting GD moms go past 39 weeks) I couldn't get around. I tried everything I could to get labor to start on its own and to avoid the Pit. In the end I lost. I almost made it through the labor without asking for pain meds, and when looking back at the birth I know I could've done it,had I been heard.
My resolve to birth at home (or at least not in the same hospital) came from looking back at that birth. Being heard (or not) is a common theme in my births. With number 6 I asked not to be stuck on a monitor or have to stay on my back in bed- I knew if I did my labor would stall. But due to policy I had to be "just for a few minutes"- little man hated being monitored (or sonogramed) and never cooperated and so I was on my back for 2 hours trying to get a reading and labor stopped completely. The Pit was upped and I was still made to stay in bed but of course the Pit worked and got it going again- strong and fast, and with no way of naturally trying to comfort myself in the pain at 7 cms dilated I asked for meds. For the first time in 4 hours I was allowed off my back and switching positions made me had to pee- but I realized I didn't really have to pee I needed to PUSH! I told everyone this and was told to wait, that they were almost done (they had just numbed my back with a local, didn't even have the epidural shot ready yet- so really not almost done, they could've easily stopped and checked me). I was forced to finish the shot, then helped back on to my back. The MW checked me and found I was fully dilated! Simply from the motion of sitting up! Oh the wonders of free movement.
This complete and total disregard of hearing me, or not hearing me, has opened my eyes. After that I knew I'd never go back there again. Why had I not followed my gut and looked into a home birth with number 6? Many different reasons- 1) I had GD and didn't think I had the option. 2) This was my husband's first child/birth and he was extremely uncomfortable with the idea. 3) We did not have the money for it and insurance doesn't cover it. 4) I was unaware of the huge home birth movement here in my state, or support I/we could've found there. But the experience is really what has brought us to our path to home birth this time around and without it I may never have been able to live this dream or become much more informed on the natural process that is birth and pregnancy.
When I became pregnant with number 7 I'd done my research and knew what I wanted to do differently. But home birth was still not an option in my mind. I knew I needed to be in a different hospital, that Pit would not be involved along with pain meds or monitors. I wanted hands off MWs, water birth, and delayed cord clamping. I started by looking for hospitals that offered this and found 2 locally (this is know is not common either- there are many places that don't have any of these options). The first was 10 minutes from our home and the other 30. I looked into the closest and only one set of MWs are allowed rights there, and so naturally I went for the closest clinic they had. I was a bit put off from the get go- the hoops I had to go through just to see a MW were many. I should've watched better after the first intake appointment, when they suggested I get a TB test- this is something not very prevalent here and I am not in a high risk group for being exposed. (I did decline the test.) But from there things went down hill.
Each subsequent appointment had yet another surprise. Because of previous GD pregnancies I was automatically labeled GD and high risk. I was high risk because I've birthed 6 times before. I was high risk because my weight is not in the ideal standards. And on the list went. I was told a water birth wouldn't be an issue in the first appointments but later told I'd be allowed to labor but not give birth (because big women don't move fast enough in an emergency)- never mind I wasn't gaining any weight so would've ended up the same weight as say someone small who gained 30-50 lbs. So my water birth dream was taken. I was told at first I'd be allowed to go to 41 weeks with GD but then later "Oh we'll probably induce around 38 or 39 weeks"- never mind my numbers were very good, normal even. Each and every visit there was something new and with each visit my heart broke a bit more. Till the final straw came and I came home sobbing and my husband made a decision- WE'D have a home birth!
But just because the decision was made did not make for the road to be easier. For a while it became harder and we had new struggles to over come. Number 1: MONEY. But for him that was a non-issue, he'd figure it out somehow. In our research and searching we found out a few not well known things- our insurance may cover some of the prenatals/postnatals, just not the actual birth costs itself. Between 40-60%. And what insurance doesn't cover we can write off on our taxes as a medical expense. So for us personally the actual out of pocket costs will be manageable. But we came to another hitch- we'd have to pay at least half of the costs up front (and with some HB MWs the whole amount). $1500 is not something we have- ever. The dream was lost and my heart was broken. I fell into a cycle of denial (not even wanting to think I was pregnant anymore) and depression (talking about it would do no good- money just doesn't fall out of my mouth in that way). I was lost.
We'd interviewed MWs and I emailed them all back letting them know our situation and that we were sorry we couldn't hire any of them. And a miracle MW happened. This is her calling and she helps those that need it- and we needed it, so she was willing to help and work with us. Our birth was important to her, as much as was it us. We had a midwife! And just the right one.
We've moved forward and are now in the last steps toward our dream. We're having a much better pregnancy than my last, especially in regards to the GD, that through just a bit of tweaking of diet has been controlled into normal "limits"- seriously I've had maybe a total of 5 or 6 high numbers this whole pregnancy (and when I say high it's not all that high even). I feel alot of that has to do with how much lower stress I've been feeling.
Not everyone we know and love supports this decision- there are people who don't really want to look at it or anything I try and show them to show how safe this is. But these tend to be more medically minded people so I have to be patient. I'm feeling so much safer in thoughts of giving birth at home than I do in thoughts of hospital birth. Birth is a natural process and I can do it with the right support.
I still have a bit of work to do on the fear (and lack of self-confidence) aspects of my body being able to go into labor and stay in labor on its own, but I'm working on it. Or through it really. I feel at peace and ready (but not too ready as he's not ready for a few more weeks- I'm 35 and need to get to 37 first). I am working on birth art to help me heal, prepare, to inspire me when it's at it's roughest. I am excited to be able to birth were it feels right. I have the right people with me this time. Those that are excited for this venture, And supportive and love me enough to help hold me up and LISTEN. My good friend, my blessed MW and her mentor, my children (yup they'll be here too- maybe not in the room but in our home) and my biggest champion, my husband. We're all walking a new path together, one that makes us a bigger family and teaches us to trust our bodies and live in our path for a close natural life style.
I'm almost there. Healing has begun and I am finally able to talk about this hard and long journey to a place I've only ever dreamed of. I am excited to share with those that want to listen and those that seek the experience. I am on a path I feel is a spiritual one (for me) bringing me closer to my god and myself. I am still practicing patience and that'll be something I need in abundance till little man is placed upon my skin and I have walked my path.
My path to my home birth.

Getting Ready! Got Our List, Checking it Twice (or maybe Thrice)!

We had our official home birth prep visit yesterday- our MW came for an appointment here 2 weeks ago so not our first but this time we got our supply list and birthing tub! We talked about how to set the tub up, what the plans were for the kids and just in general what to expect.

(STOP! Warning: the next paragraph includes a bit of TMI so if you don't want to hear it, skip it! But remember this is all real experience if you do.)

This all came on building excitement and my body getting ready, so making it feel closer and more real. Over the past 2 weeks I've felt (physically) my cervix ripening and maybe opening a bit (not sure on that one- internals are avoided!) but I remember feeling this last time with C and I was dilated to 3cm for weeks before his birth. When I talk about feeling my cervix changing I talk about some pressure but also tingly pain/pinching. After the birth of my 3rd I had a biopsy done on a growth on my cervix (which removed all of the growth- it was really nothing just a growth) and after the procedure there was different pain/pinching feeling. And with each child after I could feel the scar tissue more. (That didn't come out very clearly.) When I dilate or a few days before my monthly I can (not always do) get a pinching feeling at the site- scar tissue or hormones or both- I don't know. But anyways I feel the pain. And I've had a few incidents of this in the last few weeks. Also I lost some of my mucus plug yesterday (not bloody) but enough ick to make it ICK! lol Again this is nothing to be alarmed about (at least in me), and in no way means labor is soon to start (I had all this happen with the others and only one came before his due date, due to my water breaking w/o any other symptoms and I've made it twice to 42 weeks and was induced with very similar symptoms). But my body is getting ready even though I've been successful in pushing off the feelings of being done and needing to be done! lol

OK it's safe now!

So we have our list, tub and my body is getting closer to ready. Anticipation is growing! I'm nesting and so is the husband (he experiences pregnancy symptoms that mirror my own- he's such a sympathetic guy! Shh don't tell him I told you!) Now we get to play gatherers.

I'm not going to type out everything we need, since so much is stuff you find around the house (like garbage bags, towel, and washcloths) but I am going to include the list for the KIT my MW wants. (Yes we supply these as they are one birth use only.)

Our Kit List:

-30 basic under pads (disposable chux pads)

-2 latex gloves, pairs, med.

-2 peri bottles

-2 standard cold packs

-1 economy bulb syringe, 3 oz.

-25 avant gauze toppers

-2 straws

-2 newborn hats, economy

-2 lubricating jelly, 2.7 g

-2 packs Emergency-C (choose flavor)

-1 herbal cord care

-1 hydrogen peroxide, 16 oz.

-1 comfrey leaf, loose, 4 oz.

-1 Shepard's purse

Opt (for water births):

-water birth net (like a fish net)

-tub liner

This is all nice and neatly offered online, under her name, at a home birth supply store. One stop shopping!

(Ok for whatever reason in the preview of this post this looks like one huge paragraph and I can't figure out how to change it so sorry it's not meant to be read this way?!)

I'm only 35 weeks today so we've still got 2 weeks before I will be ready really to go! (Yeah some times nature has other ideas but mentally I keep thinking not yet and am keeping a very closed mind- mind over matter, right?) I'm pushing off the incredible urge to nest till next week when the kids go back to school and then I'll let it all go! It's getting closer and we can feel it.

All he needs to do is get a little bigger, lungs mature and hopefully turn around- right now he's facing out (but head down!). Oh and an update on the GD- I've maintained excellent numbers the entire pregnancy with diet alone (normal numbers!) so we're not even worrying about it! :D

As few as 2 weeks as many as 7 (fingers crossed not that long!) and we'll get to meet our new little man! Happy Dance time!

Last Blog Here- for awhile

I recently posted about taking some time away from blogging here and this is my last one for awhile. But my last blog left me feeling like a bit of an explanation as to why, is necessary.

I have not had good hospital births, and my DH and I decided to try for a home birth. We interviewed and found one we loved but hit a hole that has stopped it completely. The issue: MONEY. If little J was only due 6 or 8 weeks later this would not be an issue but as it is it not there and there's no way to get even just the half we need. I feel confident we did make the right decision on MWs, for when I explained to our choice why we couldn't use her, she was very understanding and even stated that if she was apprenticing under someone (her preceptor requires 1/2 payment before the birth) she would've been happy to receive payment afterwards. In someways this doesn't make it any better but it does show me how much the homebirth movement is an important one.

So I'm heartbroken and my last chance for my dream birth is gone. We are not having anymore children, this was my last chance. I am in a bit of denial and avoiding action. I know in my head I can't do this long- I've reached 28 weeks - the 3rd trimester. Birth is imminent. I'm happy being pregnant, enjoying this last one, and looking forward to him. BUT at the same time I don't want to be pregnant anymore- I want to stop time and wait for the right time.

We are now faced with 2 options. Both of which are not ones we want to even consider. Hospital birth- just like all the rest and maybe worse. Or Unassisted Childbirth (UC/Freebirth)- scares the shit out of both DH and I, no one there but us and the kids, no support at all.

I'm stalling for time I don't have and praying for a miracle, while slowing eating away inside. I can't stop randomly crying.

This is where I am- why I'm taking a break from here. Personal issues revolving around birth but not having much to do with my family blog. I'm searching for joy again, and finding gratitude for my husband and children.

Why Home Birth?

This is the first blog I've ever done where I sat down and did research, found sites to link to and generally don't feel as if I am just ranting or sharing experience. This blog will not directly link you to studies but I will have links to places that will link to studies. I like studies and stats, I love having the facts but my brain does not keep the exact numbers in my head, it just doesn't work that way. But I hope you find the resources I provider informative and even good reads.

So why a home birth? Well since being pregnant with P (way back in '98, baby #3) it's been on my mind. I was laying in bed at home and thought to myself "oh how peaceful it'd be to birth at home" even with 2 young ones running around. But fear and a mainstream medical society kept me from ever going pass the wishful thought.

Mainstream medical says "Why would you want to birth at home? It's so much safer in a hospital, there are trained professionals there if something goes wrong, and you can get relief from the pain." In theory this is all true- if I was very ill or injured, yes I'd rather be in a hospital with trained professionals. But pregnancy and childbirth are natural processes and the more children I have the more confident I become in my abilities to do what women, mothers, have done forever, and the more I find out about the process (something most women and girls are not taught regularly in the mainstream) the more I find appalling and feel a pull to get back to doing what's natural and womanly. (I am going to insert here that I don't believe home birth is right for every mother, yes I feel there are serious "high" risk cases that belong birthing in a hospital with lots of medical support.)

In my search for how to have a natural birth I've come across a lot of history of obstetrics that has surprised me and made me go "Oh", that has opened my eyes. Number 1 being: Birthing in a bed while laying down...this was invented by a male doctor to make it easier on himself to "do his job" no thought was put into what issues it may cause for the birthing mom, and this is relatively new only really starting in the 1800s. 2) The whole obstetrics field was non-existent until about then too. Doctors pressed the government to out-law Midwifery, and succeed too, to the point of almost extinction. (Yes this partly fuels my "anti-medical" outlook and really calls to my help the underdog side.)

But home birth is a very personal choice, made for personal reasons. At the beginning of this pregnancy one of the reasons we went with a clinic and hospital birth, was simply cost. Most insurance doesn't cover the cost, some do cover the prenatal and postnatal visits but not the actual birth itself. (And in my OP this is crazy considering a home birth on average cost about $4k and a standard easy hospital birth around, or over $10K! Again big medical controlling that which they should not!) But for us the clinic I was going to and the Midwives I was seeing kept throwing curve balls, now we just done. All I really wanted was honest, upfront care by people to listen. I've done this before, I know what works and what doesn't (I can even warn you) and I know my body and it's limitations. Trust me and I can trust you.

But I wasn't receiving that and without someone on my side it's hard to advocate against the "system". So we moved past the thought of cost, we'll figure it out some how, hoping to find someone to work with us on bills (even if they'll just wait till tax time and we could pay them straight off) and we went forward with the thought. Something we're doing is working, whether it's putting faith in things will work out and we're doing what's right, or what I don't know. BUT I do know after making the decision and moving forward with that thought, I attended my regular AP playgroup (yes with the intention of getting some names of HB MWs and experience from other HBers) but what I also got was some info (from a HB MW) that makes this more clear and available- my insurance will/has to cover my prenatal and postnatal visits, no matter who I see. So a huge bit of the cost has been lifted from our shoulders, just leaving us with the remainder of the actual birth itself. Even if is 1/2 the cost it's still helpful! This has really helped strengthen our resolve and made it more real.

(WOW this post is turning out longer than I thought it would! If your still reading, I thank you and apologize.)

BUT! Aren't YOU considered "High Risk" because of your history with Gestational Diabetes (GD)? Yes I am, period. But I'm also (in mainstream medical opinion) considered "higher risk" because I've had so many other births- because the "risks of hemorrhage are increased", never mind I've never had this issue, I am not a bleeder at all and HB MWs do carry Pitocin just in case this scenario happens (because it CAN happen to anyone, but with a trained professional HB MW, or a doctor in a hospital, it doesn't have to be life threatening).

But back to the GD risks- I've had GD with my last two PGs (pregnancies). My first was controlled with diet alone and he came in at 5lbs 14oz.(at 34 wks- so early but not a BIG GD baby) and without ANY breathing issues (this in itself is wonderful- since premise are more likely to have lung issues than most other babies, but is also a concern in GD babies too. Their lungs are said to sometimes mature more slowly than "normal" babies and therefore have issues with breathing and lung function.) and my second GD baby, I was unable to control my blood sugars with diet, and was on a med, came out at 7 lbs 14 oz. @ 39. wks- quiet average and proportional, and again he had NO lung issues. Both babies had very good blood sugars after birth (another possible outcome is baby suffering from hypoglycemia within the first day of life- this is simply remedied with breastfeeding {recommended and something natural anyways} or a bit of sugar water). So as you can see the biggest risks are not ones I've/we've suffered from and honestly I'm not too worried about.

Why? Am I chancing fate? Well before I got pg this time around I had already been making big changes to my diet and general life style anyways- ones that might possibly keep me from getting GD altogether (not bloody like and I'm not counting on it actually) but ones that will (if stuck to) defiantly help me stay off meds and keep my blood sugar low. I've already been testing for 2 months and my numbers have been great! (For those with some knowledge on diabetes: Fasting- low 80s and after meals between 105-115. I'm supposed to keep mine under 95 for fasting and under 120 post meals.) I know it's still early in the game here and not until 28 weeks can you be sure if you've got it and then it can still develop later in pg, towards the end. But I'm sticking to what I am doing and looking into natural ways of maintaining (both herbal and homeopathic), there's not a lot of info out there on this (well not in the mainstream) but I'm finding whats safe. (I can not site studies on this topic because there are none- thanks big pharma! Because who wants to do studies on things people can eat naturally and find in their own grocery stores.)

So over all I feel like I am more at risk birthing in a hospital than at home. From my own experience I know what I can expect in a hospital, with MWs or not- lots of external monitoring (baby's heart rate and contractions) which will involve lots of time laying still in bed (something that causes my labors to stall out), and then more than likely Pitocin to get it going again, which in turn comes with camel back contractions and usually an epidural followed by an inability to push and a call for a doctor to use the vacuum or forceps; but all NOT in my plan for birth. (This is how C's birth went. And very similar stories for my others.) What I wanted this time around was an intervention free birth, with much laboring in a birth tub and probably even the actually birth. It was made clear to me a few appts back that I could labor in the tub, but because of my "size" they'd have me get out for the actual birth- since large mothers aren't as flexible or fast and in an emergency (say the shoulders get stuck after the head is born- some that has never happened to me- after mine's heads are out the burst out with much force! My kids have big heads and small shoulders! lol) it's required they do the actual birth out of water. No thought of how flexible or fast I really am is put into it and quiet frankly it's offensive (and not only just to me but to others I've told this story to- I am not that big, am more of an athletic build and used to run hurdles in track. I am quiet flexible! and by necessity quiet fast, I am chasing around two little boys daily. lol)

But what about the logistics of your house and your kids- being there and all? Well our house has 2 floors and the olders, or those that don't want to be present, can be upstairs and help out with the youngers there too. And looking at my past history of birth most of my kids were born in the wee hours of the night and morning, so they all could just be sleeping. And those of our children that want to be present? Well why the hell not! I mean birth is natural and something we have only recently felt the need to shelter our children from. If children are comfortable being there and want to be there I see it as a great way for them to learn about life and the beginning of it! It shouldn't be some great mystery or something to be feared but what it truly is- a family being born again.

Well this is so much longer than I thought it'd be, but I want to end with some resources I've found, use and love. There are many more so this is just a few.

Books-

"Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" by Ina May Gaskin

"Spiritual Midwifery" by Ina May Gaskin

"Having a Baby Naturally" by Peggy O'Mara

Websites-

Mothering Magazine

Gentle Birth

Geneabirth

Web articles-

35 Reasons to Choose a Home Birth

The Myths of Home Birth

DVDs-

The Business of Being Born

Thank you for reading, and keeping an open mind.