I recently posted about taking some time away from blogging here and this is my last one for awhile. But my last blog left me feeling like a bit of an explanation as to why, is necessary.
I have not had good hospital births, and my DH and I decided to try for a home birth. We interviewed and found one we loved but hit a hole that has stopped it completely. The issue: MONEY. If little J was only due 6 or 8 weeks later this would not be an issue but as it is it not there and there's no way to get even just the half we need. I feel confident we did make the right decision on MWs, for when I explained to our choice why we couldn't use her, she was very understanding and even stated that if she was apprenticing under someone (her preceptor requires 1/2 payment before the birth) she would've been happy to receive payment afterwards. In someways this doesn't make it any better but it does show me how much the homebirth movement is an important one.
So I'm heartbroken and my last chance for my dream birth is gone. We are not having anymore children, this was my last chance. I am in a bit of denial and avoiding action. I know in my head I can't do this long- I've reached 28 weeks - the 3rd trimester. Birth is imminent. I'm happy being pregnant, enjoying this last one, and looking forward to him. BUT at the same time I don't want to be pregnant anymore- I want to stop time and wait for the right time.
We are now faced with 2 options. Both of which are not ones we want to even consider. Hospital birth- just like all the rest and maybe worse. Or Unassisted Childbirth (UC/Freebirth)- scares the shit out of both DH and I, no one there but us and the kids, no support at all.
I'm stalling for time I don't have and praying for a miracle, while slowing eating away inside. I can't stop randomly crying.
This is where I am- why I'm taking a break from here. Personal issues revolving around birth but not having much to do with my family blog. I'm searching for joy again, and finding gratitude for my husband and children.