I don't know if it's come with age, or this last pregnancy, or with having worked the 12 steps of Alanon, but I am so more aware of when I am going crazy because of hormones coursing through my body. It's physical now. It feels like adrenalin rushing through my body and I can not control it. I also know when it's not and it's just me letting things in and build up, when I am just being crabby because of HALT (hunger, anger, loneliness or tiredness).
A few months ago, while still pregnant, with little J, I'd feel the hormones and it'd knock me down. And because it's not something I could control, I'd feel even worse. I hated feeling that way and bringing everyone else around me down. I don't know if there is a way to stop it short of drugs for those that are severely affected. For me this is not the case. It can be for a few hours, a day or two but then I level out and continue on. I am still feeling it postpartum, the hormones that is. These are what I call my "low days". Nothing seems to go right, everything overwhelms me and I can't move past, shake off the thoughts that creep in. I can talk about what's bothering me but the rushing feeling still doesn't go away. I feel like crawling out of my body and escaping to another.
I did not have this awareness as much while pregnant with C. And I know with the 5 before him it was completely non-existent. I was just crazy without a reason. With C, I could feel it coming on but never had an idea what it was. I couldn't say "My hormones are raging". My thoughts now is if I'll still be able to identify this when I'm PMSing. I'm hoping so, since I can postpartum. I think it'll help me to help myself (by asking for it and trying to watch what I'm saying to others- I know I won't be able to stop it or control the actual hormones but I can work on my reactions to it, and maybe warn- at least my DH- others of how I am feeling.).
A friend of mine and her circle of women, have a group and a signal to each other, when they are feeling similar and need extra nurturing. She has offered to invite me in and I am honored and excited to become part of this. I also would like to start something similar amongst my friends (both online and RL- real life), for this is how women should support each other, and only other women will really understand. This idea is based off the book "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant- a great read for all women of all ages. Honoring women and making sure we connect and support each other. I'd like to make this group open to all women (no matter their age), the wisdom of older women (especially those that can recognize what is going on inside them) would be so valuable to younger women (that may not recognize what is going on with themselves) and the passing of this has been lost. I want to bring it back for my girls. I have not done a good job of this, up to this point, and know I need help of others to get it back for them (my girls). They would probably learn more readily and easily from others than me. But this all will come- one step at a time.
Today, at this moment, my hormones are stable. And I am doing well. I can't say this will be true an hour from now or tomorrow but I have to live in each moment. But I do have new knowledge of myself. Yay! I'm growing!