Fear, Phobia, Obsession

Fears. Phobias. Obsessions. This is me today. I am completely unable to do much of anything without thinking about our house "guests". I fear they'll get in through the windows or an open door or a crack in the wall somewhere. I keep thinking they'll go berserk from the poison and come after me. I'm afraid to go out on my porch, I have to check before I do at least twice and then when out there I am continuously watching for them....to fall off the roof onto the porch or to the ground three floors below.

I'm paranoid somehow the cats will get a hold of one or the poison we put out or the dog will. Or one of the kids or I'll have to touch it and it'll be on my hands (the poison that is). I don't know how much hand washing it'll take to have all trace amounts gone.

It's very hard to live life with this degree of fear. On a normal everyday basis I do just fine. But put me in a place where I have to deal with it and I can't. I'm on alert constantly. I can feel my heart rate accelerated. I know in my brain, the rational part of it, that I'm being over the top. But I can't stop it. I don't know how to. IF I had the option of fleeing for the day, or till they're gone...I'd be gone in a minute.

Every little sound or movement has me on edge. I have to figure out what it is...there can not be any what ifs. I know I have no control over this. But I can't...I just can't.