Wednesday, August 17, 2011

An Honest Life?

I'm sitting here this morning wondering what the point is for me to keep living so honestly. We go each day living and doing the next "right" thing. I've always tried to live this way. I don't believe in heaven and hell, I do believe in an afterlife and reincarnation. I do believe in karma. I don't agree with all the seven deadly sins and the things that will surely get you sent to hell- for example a baby or young child die without having been baptised and they're doomed to hell. A woman decides to have a child, a natural rite, but isn't married and both her child and her are doomed to hell- these types of things do not, for me, make a very fair assumption of what to expect out of a loving higher power. It would never matter how well you lived your life then, you're still damned.

But believing in karma as I do I continue to wonder what the hell I've done to deserve so much bad. There doesn't seem to be any balance. I see others that live lives of dishonesty, theft and cheating and they never seem to get theirs. Maybe they sit in their own inner turmoil and brew. But how is that different from sitting in a life that can't seem to get a break? The stress is still there and the what ifs. The "what could I've done differently?"

For me reincarnation means a fresh start to try again, no bringing along extra baggage. A lesson still to be learned. A love to be rekindled. A journey to live again. But we also have the choice, to live in the after life or to try again. And why would I want to live this all again?

Thoughts keep running through my head- What I have I done in life? Why does it keep throwing things up and making me handle them over and over again? Some may say because someone has to and God thinks you can handle it. Well that sucks and that's why I struggle with the whole concept- no loving God would make anyone relive things I have multiple times in their life. Once, I'd understand- makes you stronger (right?). Am I getting a reminder to be grateful for what I do have? The little stresses that I welcome usually?

I have two special needs boys- the stress of them can get to me, the stress of what they need and the help I've been fighting for was welcomed. And strangely I looked forward to it- having to figure out OT and Dr.s appts. It mde life more interesting. But the stress I'm under now is too much- and puts all the other stresses on the back burner. Back to limbo land. Back to where I was 6 months ago- struggling for help, knowing what is needed but not being able to obtain it.

Humans are not to designed to endure long term (prolonged) stress, without some how being able to relax. It's a torture method used to get people to crack in war. Prolonged stress can lead to health problems, mental instability and depression. I just need a few anwers, a clue in which way to move- a direction. Then I'll be able to relax some. I know more work will be involved (and welcomed) but at least life will have a direction.

Our stress may very well be self-imposed. But what else can one do when you live your life daily trying to do what's right and honest? Eventually you get to a point and start to ponder Why? you even bother. You have wandering thoughts of wrong doing, for your own benefit. Victimless crimes. Cut corners. Lie. But ultimately you know you can't- It goes against your core. So you sink down deeper. And just cry- Why? What now? When will it end? When will the next boot/shoe drop? I surrender! Don't you see my little white flag?

1 comment:

  1. Oh, I am with you. I do believe in Heaven and Hell and in God, and I feel all the same things. I wonder if I am being punished when all these bad things come my way. I don't know what for? Because I try to do the right thing. But, I do have to say that suffering does have its merit. In the midst of my suffering I do not see it, but later when it has passed(days or months or years later) it makes sense and I see what I have learned from it. I hope your stress becomes less, and your days become easier to bear.


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