Friday, June 1, 2012

What Am I doing?

A big fear I had about moving down south, away from everything I knew, was not knowing anything and losing myself. And for a long time, and still on occasion, I did. There has been a few times where I've cracked- throwing fits under stress, looking at myself from out of body, not recognizing who that person is, unable to stop or help myself. Relying on the only other person available to help me, but he was almost where I was, at a breaking point. So a few times we'd take turns.

My saving grace- my smart phone, kept me connected to the outside world, my friends, family, support system. Still does, still my only means. I've learned i'm not cut out to be a hermit. I'd literally go mad, rivaling the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland. I need community and socialization, even in the smallest increments.

I couldn't bring myself to blog, I was too deep. Too negative. I saw no hope, no silver lining, no joy. I had no "Me". I didn't like anything. Couldn't identify with anything. I was opposite everything around me, no common ground. North vs. South. And no clue how to change it, fight it, find some light, hope, joy. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. It truly seemed the universe was out to get me.

My life seemed to have a recurring theme for the last 18 years.

And then baby girl was born. And I with her.

I looked at this beautiful child who will struggle with basics of life, no matter how much I try to protect her from the harsh world, and saw my life. She has no choice in her struggle but I do. She has been smiling since a week after birth (real smiles), taking in all around her with joy. I am striving to be like her.

But I can't loose myself. I have to take care of my needs. I have to be me, and remember what's important, where my values lie, what I want to teach my children. I have to write, exercise, create, read, learn, be alone (thats a big one, and the hardest to do. And just 5 or 10 mins a day isnt enough, not when I spend 20 hrs a day taking care of others. I need 30 minium.), and strive for balance. I've got hope back, but little faith that our lives will change much, I think we'll always struggle financially. (unless I can do something with my writing or photography, the second has been greatly neglected) But at least the dark has lighted, and most days there's sunshine.

I've also learned alot. About myself, my limitations, and where things need to change. I have an abundance of patience, but not for waiting. Or knowing when to make a change. I need really good road signs, so I don't miss the turn offs.

Change constantly happens. I need to be prepared for nothing, because tomorrow it may be gone. But I need to live life and share my journey, fears, hope, joys, and accomplishments, no matter how beautiful or ugly.

1 comment:

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