Friday, August 31, 2012

Too Much Together

My husband has had some time off, not by choice but because works been slow. He's been home from his full time job 10 days.Luckily he's still able to pick up shifts as a cook so we still have money coming in. In MN a week off, unexpected, would throw us into financial despair. With our expenses here a third of what they were there its not as hard, but we're still behind from the six months when we first got here, so this time off just delays getting caught up as quickly.

There are benefits to his being home. He's not sleeping during the day, and is caught up on his work loss of sleep, but we're both staying up later and now we're falling behind because of it. (Doesn't help SOA season 4 came out on dvd recently, and we want to get caught up before season 5 starts up again Sept. 11th. Shameless plug for my fav tv show? Maybe... Haha) I can blog more often (but maybe I'd be able to do that with him working, I really don't know since we got Internet while he's been off) as he keeps the kids out of trouble.

But I have a hard time with him being home for extended periods of time. It throws my routine off. Gets me distracted from what I usually do. And I start to have more expectations from him and what I think he should be doing. I mean he's not working why not take on an equal share of the work around here. Also I get distracted from what I'd normally be doing when people (even the older kids) are just sitting there. I start to feel watched and judged. If I'm not constantly moving/doing household work, I feel like he thinks I'm slothful. Then I get angry and frustrated with both of us- he because of how I'm feeling and what he's doing/not doing (mostly his nose is to his phone, reading. I hate the kindle app, just saying.), and me, because I'm not meeting some unspoken expectation he has for me and I get overwhelmed that I'm not keeping up with my usual pace. Sick circles I do in my head.

There's always so much to do here, both inside and out. The lawn mower broke down in May and the whole property is over grown. DH was doing the immediate front yard by hand (think hedge clippers, and corn knife) but it got to him and he hasn't made a move to keep up with it in over a month, maybe two. We got an estimate from a farmer to bush whack (a tractor with a big blade pulled by it), $60 an hour. Seems like a lot of $$$ but he said he could get it all done (the parts we wanted) in 30 mins. But the kicker is the yard needs to be cleaned of metal, tree branches and the rest first. DH has been procrastinating on this since the estimate. It really frustrates me, I can't send the boys out to play because the grass and weeds are up to MY waist. C would be lost in it. It'd take him all of an hour to do, why the procrastination. But again I'm letting my expectations get a hold the situation.

Another positive to his off work- 2 days before the "vacation" DH broke his pinky toe. He didn't take care of it properly and it swelled so bad his skin split. Then it got infected. He was soaking it in Epsom salt baths, applying a Rx antibiotic and taking one orally. Its had time to heal. Had he had to work on it who knows what have happened.

He's got two shifts this weekend cooking. And Sunday he goes back in to the full time job. Hoping they have this week. Its supposed to get busy enough soon that they go up to 10-12 hour days. He's going to be exhausted when they do.

I'm doing better, having come out with what I found has helped. It brought to me a few friends that have experienced similar. Hearing I'm not alone and feeling like I was heard and not crazy meant so much to me. I still get pangs of anxiety and anger, but those are set off when triggers come in. I, and my DH, are doing our best to keep the triggers at bay. The saying "One day at a time" helps me through the worst. When the worst hits I reach out, but not to DH anymore. He has his own demons at the moment, and him feeling he has to fix mine doesn't help him with his. Life's not perfect, its better some days, the same the next. But no back stepping at the moment.

The farmer that rents the fields around us has started his harvest. I'm happy to see the corn go, but dreading the first days after, as the pollen invades the air. I am seriously allergic to corn pollen I've found. You'd think since they are genetically modifying it they'd remove the allergens. Ha wishful thinking!

Well I'm off for the day. 3 and a half hours of sleep last night will make this an interesting day.....

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