Monday, September 3, 2012

Making Today My Someday

"Each indecision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days... What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I've been moving forward slowly each day. Finding joy and light in each little moment. I was finally tired enough to need to start living. But there was still something holding me back, just enough to weigh me down from real progress. I wanted to move forward with my husband. He's my rock and partner in life. But he can't move forward at the moment. He's stuck where I was. I see his depression and want to help. I wanted to help him as he helped me. But he is not me and doesn't need somebody else helping him. He wants to live where he is until he helps himself, "push it down" as he says. I could not do it alone, I needed others that have felt the same to help me out. I sought the help.

I can't wait for him anymore. I'm not saying I'm leaving him, not at all, I love him. He has always had my heart. But I can't give him my all. I need to be me and live for me. I want joy, fun, relaxation, to have my kids have a happy and loving mama. Not an angry, stressed out loon. I want to nurture them, but I need to nurture myself to do that.

I lived for a long time in the Someday. Someday I will do this, Someday I will start that, Someday I will finish that. But Someday seemed so far away. Someday was never coming. I needed to choose which day was really my Someday. I choose Today.

Starting Today I will start things I've put off for someday. Even if that just means putting a positive thought out there to move forward.

Starting Today I choose to live in joy.

 I will try to see things in a lighter way. The children are children. They do childish things, they're supposed to. I will remember that. I will try to remember when the 3 yo puts all the clean dishes into the dirty dish water that he's wanting to help, and try to see the light in that. When the 1 and half yo asks "apple?" but doesn't really want an apple and I can't figure out what it is he Really wants, that at least he's trying to communicate his desires. That he will soon have the correct word,  that we'll have conversations. That I need to cherish these little moments.

Starting Today I can make my dreams come true.

Starting Today I am getting myself ready for Me to come home. I am putting out the energy I want in return. I will be doing a cleansing of me and my home.My home is very closed energy wise, and sometimes negative, from us and from its own history. I am letting my guard down and opening up to it. I am planning a cleansing of energy soon, first for me and then for our home. In the intent to bring love, peace, and positive to our lives.

Starting Today I am letting go of that which I can't help. I am releasing my husband to help himself how he needs it. I will wait for him in my heart, but my soul and spirit are moving to make me whole. I will try not to cause damage but I will not enable him. I am not him, he is not me. We were but we lost each other along our path, and we lost ourselves.

Starting Today I am finding me again.

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