Saturday, September 8, 2012

Dreams, Feelings, Faith

The last few days have gotten away from me. But in some ways its been the good kind- where I could just let it go and not feel overwhelmed or frustrated because of it. I'd made the choice to let things flow. My readings from those days were spot on.

Thursday's quotes- "How important is it? Are my priorities in order?... Today I will make room to think about what really matters." AND "With time and wisdom comes the knowledge that some pain always accompanies growth. We can accept the pain more gracefully if we remind ourselves that we are preparing to turn a new page. ..... My spirit, like my body, holds the secrets of growth and change."

Those fit perfectly for that day, of course, they always do. I found my priorities for the day- My children and my job as mother. And with making that commitment I was better able to handle the rest of the day. Because my children brought another day of frustrating feelings- I hate feeling frustrated with them and my role as a mother. I feel I fail them too often. And feel I am not up to the job. But with accepting my priorities for the day, as mother and accepting my feelings of frustration (which for the most part is my own doing- I compare myself to how I see others, how I think I should be and then beat myself up) and letting go of my notion of being a "good" mother I was able to be the mother I am. And who they need me to be. At the end of the day I was still behind and didn't get  anything I wanted to get done but I made it through without harming myself.

Friday's quotes- "Tomorrow doesn't matter for I have lived today." Horace "I am peaceful. Today I will take care of my needs."  AND  "I believe that as we nurture our groups, we nurture and empower ourselves. We can make a contribution; we can make choices that help us to allow healing in ourselves and others."

I kind of failed on the first- I didn't not meet my own needs. I put the needs of our group (group meaning our family) first. But in doing so I was able to feel like I helped a friend and my family in just the littlest ways, showing that there are those that understand and have walked similar paths. So it wasn't a total failure but missing out on my needs, for a second day, has taken its toll today.

Today I'm feeling wobbly. I'm thinking of things (dreams) and when I start going there I know something is amiss. It usually takes me a bit to figure it out. Sometimes a few minutes, a few hours and then there's those times it takes days and I can feel myself sinking. I hate that sinking feeling. I can often "count my blessings", find a bit of joy and move forward, even just for a minute. Sometimes it's harder.

Today's quotes- "Today I will a contribution to my spiritual development. I will try to identify the obstacles that block my faith." "Although there are no guarantees [in life], the benefits of building a strong relationship with a Higher Power can help me to grow confident, strong, and capable of coping with whatever comes to pass after this particular crisis has been resolved."  AND "We cannot choose our feelings, but we can choose how- or whether- we express the. If I fence out my dreams and feelings, I turn them into enemies."

And from Margaret MacDonald "To dream what one dreams is neither wise nor foolish, successful nor unsuccessful. No precautions can be taken against it, except, perhaps, that of remaining permanently awake."

I'm not sure how these readings will work themselves in my life today, but I already see they again fit perfectly. I need to take time to connect to myself, my Goddess, and explore my feelings. This doesn't come easy on Saturday. When my husband is home/off, I struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed, being judged for how I'm doing things, taking advantage of him and wanting to say "Shove it! I need to do this." I know we try to get so much in (probably too much) and we never get half of it done. And I feel bad. I know there are priorities and if we get them done I should feel good- but usually its at my expense. Baby steps today.

I had a goal of making my 250th post A's home birth story and publishing it today (her 6th month birthday) but I didn't make it to 250 yet and I'm only half way through writing it. I have to let this one go. I will get it done and it will be published, but in its own time.

Here I go. Blessings to you.

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