Hellooooooooo. Beautiful morning here! I even got to sleep "in" to 7. Things have been well here. After my post "Unhealthy Environments" I had a bit of a "come to Jesus" talk with dh. First I want to thank those that contacted me about my term "unsafe"- I wasn't trying to cause any alarm. The term (for me) doesn't imply physically being unsafe but that by asking him do help was unsafe because he'd get resentful and moody about it making it uncomfortable to even want to ask. I am not unsafe here, or with him. I've been in truly physically unsafe relationships before and I do know the warning signs. Dh is not like that all. And if that was to become the case I would not hesitate to leave. No my dh made it "unsafe" to ask for help, even with him insisting I could- just because he'd make such a fuss about it.
But like I said we had a bit of a head to head. I laid it all down- how his negativity was affecting all of us, and though I seem to be doing better I am not doing perfectly, that some days I'm just "faking it till I make it". And he needed to get on board. Now I've said this all to him before, we've made "game plans" on how to get things done that are/were overwhelming us both, but this time it was a bit different. It seemed to stick- I am not proud of some of the words I used. Especially at the end of our convo- I told him I hated him, the man he had become. I love him but he was no longer who I married. It was a weak moment for me but it was my honest feelings. Later we were able to talk, a real 2 sided conversation, and things are different. He has actually tried this week. Even if he's "faking it till he's making it" its working. For both of us.
This Monday and Tuesday were hard for me- I really hate my birthday (why is for another post and it can be really hard to understand but its NOT the getting older part) and I broke down crying. I was able to explain clearly to dh why I hate it and now he actually does understand- that I have reasons and its not just because some people hate their birthdays.
I'm coming to some acceptance again, it comes in cycles. I'm not hating it here, but am finding we (dh and I) NEED to socialize. And I'm seeing we may not be leaving/moving from here as soon as we'd like. I'm becoming comfortable with the idea- not always liking it but comfortable. There are things we HAVE to do- something with the weeds/grass/property and find a social circle (this we'll do slowly, as there is lots of drama and rumors that fly around here. Is this true of all small towns?) I'm starting to feel a little more connected to the land- like its opening up to us a bit.
I'm slowly opening myself- I stall out a lot but I do keeping moving forward and the moments of backwards are fewer and less intense. My mom brought us down some books this summer when she picked up the girls for the summer- and one of them is becoming my guide to bringing our spirituality to our children and into our lives as a family. (Celebrating The Great Mother- A Handbook of Earth-Honoring Activities for Parents and Children) Not long ago we (dh and I) talked about introducing aspects to the kids- for him bringing the Runes to them and teaching them about using them. This book has a section on that! For little ones (using just one Rune) to older ones and doing a spread. It really piqued my interest, so I'm doing some of my own learning.
You know I love being a Pagan. I have no limits of where I can go to get closer to my goddess. I can take on what I need and leave the rest. And I run the gamut. I identify my goddess as Gaia. (from Wikipedia- "was the goddess or personification of Earth in ancient Greek religion, one of the Greek primordial deities. Gaia was the great mother of all: the heavenly gods, the Titans and the Giants were born from her union with Uranus (the sky), while the sea-gods were born from her union with Pontus (the sea).") But I am Celtic and am drawn there as well. My views are similar to Native American's the Great Mother. But I am open to learning and using Runes. I have not found a god I am drawn to yet.
But I am a spiritual being, full of energy, absorbing energy and releasing my own. I use all I can to be what I need to be. If it works use it, right?
So I drew my Rune for the day- algiz is a protection rune. It talks of sheltering, defense, guardians and warding off of evil. There's more but that's the gist of it. (And I'm keeping that personal.)
And that has been my week. A rough start but a good ending.