Last week was a long drawn out one. I got a head cold on Saturday that lasted days then was followed by allergies (due to the corn field being harvested). I'm just starting to feel human again. And now the last few days toxic air is all around us. Literally. A fire started at a recycling plant in town and its still smoldering. They say its just paper and plastic, but there's questions as to whether local warehouses/manufacturing companies also pay the company to house toxic waste (to seem like they are zero waste companies). But no matter what is burning it's TOXIC smelling, and lingering, and the EPA has been called in. Little did I know before moving here how bad they treat the environment here- and how high cancer rates are. Up until I learned this I was waiting patiently to move, when the money comes (even if it took longer than I expected) then we'd move, no real urgency, just trying to make through without anxiety. But now, with this, the urgency has returned.
I was bad about reading my meditation books this week. And maybe if I'd done better my books wouldn't be ruined now. One of our dogs got a hold of them and chewed one to pieces and the other (a hard cover) is missing half the cover. Writing my week out is really starting to get me down- seeing it in black and white.
It was all bad. I feel like I made great progress in "teaching" O at home. I'm learning what he likes, how he best learns and what he needs help with. I'm also looking at things to help me become more creative in our "school". We need structure but not necessarily all book work. If I get more confident in what I'm doing and how I'm working with him things will likely get easier. I have an issue with things needing to be just so and keeping expectations for him and I too high.
After my post about letting my dh do what he needs to do, I worked hard on that. On "detaching with love". Its been better. But resentment on my part is rising. In the time since his "vacation" he's had two 4 day work weeks. Normally people use "extra" days off to get things accomplished that they don't normally have the time to do- they play catch up. Dh hasn't taken that opportunity, I'm struggling because I watch him sit there and read most of the day. And yes I am becoming resentful- the last time I read (and finished) a book was about 9 months ago. There's always so much to do here. There was a list a mile long, he wanted to do, I wanted to do, we talked about doing, this summer- and nothing got crossed off. I made my someday list, and made one day my someday, and am now working on my personal list, slowly but I'm making progress. We also made a list together- things we'd do together, things to do alone, and things he needed to do. I'm not seeing anything get down.
He's always said if I needed his help just ask, but he's made it unsafe/unpleasant to do that. The looks he gets says it all. I know I should just ignore them and continue, because I'm doing as he told me to but when that's all you get every.time.you.ask. it gets to a point where you just don't want to even bother asking. So I stop and just take on more.
If it bothers me it doesn't mean it bothers anyone else. So if I want a change I have to change it.
This encompasses everything. But it this instance I'm talking about our house, the outside, the yard. I'm tired of looking at trash and weeds. I'm tired of looking like we're living like rednecks. The grass/weeds are to my waist in most places, to my shoulders in others. Cans litter that yard from where the dogs have gotten into the recycling that has never been taken care of. Scrap wood is piled in the driveway- for "future projects" just in case. ATM there's an area rug on the lawn (this is my doing- the dogs peed on it and I'm airing it out and letting the rain "wash" it since I don't have any other way of cleaning it). And we have a piece of plywood we move around to flatten down the grass and try to kill it off in places. (So it'll look better.) Talk of having it backhoed (mowed by a tractor) is always "when we have the money". If I had a choice for my upcoming birthday present it would be cash it get it done, and boots to work in. Its getting to be fall here, nature is calling me, I want to wander the property but I'm feeling trapped by the overgrowth. I want to connect with my Goddess, Gaia, to breath her in. This is where I get my connection. The woods, the groves, the fields: Nature is my church.
So I'm struggling a bit right now. Overwhelmed by aspects of life. Things I need for me but can't do alone. Trying to become whole and healthy is hard work that you can't do alone. But sometimes getting help is harder than expected.