I haven't blogged in 22 days. They say it takes 28 days for something to become a habit. I was going to do one last blog for 2012 yesterday but spent my computer time uploading and editing photos from the past 20 days. And then daily life took over and we all know how that goes.
I am glad to see 2012 go. Yes there were a few good things to come of it. The birth of A, a better, steadier job for dh and finding gratitude, peace and some serenity in daily life. I was able to see that I can be satisfied in the little normal things, let dreams come as may and still be here. But the last three weeks of the year were much the same as the start of the year. And 2012 was a hard year.
We've had 3 successively hard years, starting in 2009. And each year has just gotten harder. (You can go back and read 2011 and 2012's struggles if you'd like.) I'll recap the last 3 weeks briefly.
The End of 2012
Just a few days after my last post the transmission went out on our van. There is no point in fixing it, since it would cost more than the van is worth. And though we are financially doing better now than we have in a long time, we still live pay check to pay check. There is no savings for purchasing a newer car or a down payment. Dh is relying on co-workers for rides to work and we are making arrangements with our one person we speak to here, for once weekly rides to town. The isolation and feelings of being trapped that I have just recently been able to shake, came back ten-fold. I mourned the loss of our car, and the loss of the feeling of peace I had so newly found.
There were brief moments in the day when I was able to find joy, peace and gratitude in daily life. But then reality would slip in and it was gone. Replaced with fear, anxiety and anger. And a deep ache of exhaustion. I am so tired of life's hurdles. Just as soon as we get on our feet, it seems, we get knocked down again. And here in the place of "no community", where we have but one person to ask for help, its very lonely. I miss my community.
We moved through the month one day at a time. So many celebrations in this one month. An 8th birthday, a 14th birthday (on the same day), Yule. The first snow fall. Each with its own joys and heartache. I miss snow and my oldest children. I miss celebrating holidays with others and visiting others homes. We take for granted those things until they are no longer readily available.
But there was peace in a simple holiday. With many handmade gifts, simple wholesome food, and togetherness. The warmth of a wood stove and the smells of oils filling the air. (Thank you Shine, for this gift that keeps on giving us so much health and healing.) The Sun topping our Yule tree, reminding us of the Sun's return and lengthening days. Excitement in silly ornaments (C's favorite- Santa in the bath tub). The gift of fresh eggs our hens are continuing to lay each day.
We have not made in progress in the way of a new vehicle. We have only found we don't have enough for a down payment, at least on something we can really use. (We can get a loan, but for something we can all fit into we need another $2k. They will however gives us a loan on a compact car! Haha. Can you just picture us, a family of 8, tucking ourselves into a compact car?! A clown car, what a show.) We're at a stalemate. Buy what we can, make payments on something that really isn't what we need, get stuck with something we can't really use? Or wait, and try to find another solution? It's seems ridiculous for us to spend money on something that doesn't fit our needs, to feels like a waste of money and a trap. But we're trapped already.
As these feelings closed in on me, all I could do was let them come, and slowly feel the ones I had just so recently being to feel, those of joy, gratitude and serenity in life as it was, slip away. I urn for those feelings again. They are true feelings, feelings to live life with, to hold onto and move forward with each and everyday. Those are the feelings I want to live in. Pulling away from the negative is so hard, they're grip so tight. But with practice, and memories of the better, I have been able to find them. Even just briefly, in moments throughout the day. Each one lasting a bit longer, and pushing the bad ones out faster.
When I know how something is I have no fear to grasping it fully. We all like the familiar, the comfortable things in life. Whether those things are people, places, or feelings. If anger, fear, and anxiety are the familiar we cling to those feelings, resisting the feelings of joy, gratitude and peace that can come in life. But when we open to them, the good feelings, and they become familiar and desired. Pulling away from the negative becomes easier.
It's a new year. And I go into it with the intent of finding, maintaining and bringing to others joy, peace, love, gratitude, and hope. I put out the intent that 3s a charm and this year will be a year of successes and forward momentum. I try not to struggle when life throws us a curve ball. I will work towards dreams I have- opening my Etsy store within 2 months, finding peace within, teaching my children their value, worth and strengths. Showing others love and kindness, in hopes it spreads like wild fire. I will work on being tender with my husband, and supporting him the best I can. I will work to be more patient with all around me. I will be honest with myself. And I will be healthy in me.
I banish bad tidings from my life path! (Oh I hope it's THAT easy!) 2012 was our lowest year. 2013 will be the start of highest. (13 is my lucky number. For Pagan's 13 is a good number. Dh and I were married on a Friday the 13th. It is our number.)
I welcome good. I open myself, to all forms of good changes. In me, in my spiritual path, in life, in my relationships, in the world, in money, in friends, in loved ones. Gaia bless us all and bring good things to everyone who reads this.
Have a blessed New Year. And remember we get back what we put out there. So make sure its all Good. The world needs no more bad.
"Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best."