Monday, July 8, 2013

Faking It

I haven't posted anything in a few weeks. If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you'll probably see what's coming. A post of release. Another rant, or cleansing, depending on your view point. Why do I write these? Why put them out there? Because I hope to reach someone, hope someone can relate, hope that by releasing what's trapped inside I can move forward. That I'll have an epiphany, or hear words of wisdom.

I realized this morning I've moved from denial, and a sense of false hope, through anger and sadness, to a place of fear and overwhelming paralyzation. I'm afraid to make decisions. Not little ones, like homeschooling or dinner, but life changing, big ones. Like buying cars, jobs and moving. The stress of a life full of the wrong choices, has brought me here. I no longer trust myself or my ability to do it. I feel as if I haven't made a good one yet. Almost 20 years of being an adult and I haven't moved forward.

Now just to clarify, because when I posted something similar on fb, others got the wrong impression of what I was trying to relate. I'm not doubting myself as a parent, or my parenting. I make the choices I have to, am able to see where I've gone wrong in that aspect, make changes in the way I do things and then move forward. I love my role as mother, and would never change anything about that. (I freely admit mothering is hard, and sometimes sucks. That the rewards can be hard to see, and far and few between, especially when in the throws of it all. But they are there, when you step back look, or come running up and slap you in the face.) Motherhood is the best part of life. And sometimes I feel unworthy.

But the rest of my life, feels as if there's no movement forward. "The energy you put out, you get back." Karma. Fate. Choices. Life paths. Control, of our lives, is out of our control. These are common things we hear, see, read, especially vivid when going through hell. But the message, really boils down to "Stop making bad choices, and start making good ones." I can't agree with this, because the choices we have sometimes, are just what we have good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative. They can be only what we have to work with. How these choices come into our lives is a little bit of fate, past choices, and luck. Though I do believe making many "good" choices, brings more, and vice versa. Too many "bad" and we're stuck in a rut.

I'm not sure where the first came in and set the path. Maybe many, many years ago. Maybe just a few. But now we have almost no choices. And seeing this invokes feelings of fear, anxiety, and finally panic. I try to move through each day, as if it's the only one, and make it through each day with some sense of peace. But doing this too long, puts off the inevitable and is just another form of denial. One day at a time, will just bring you to your end date without a plan. And sometimes doing the next right thing gets you nowhere. Especially when the next right thing isn't really what you're supposed to do.

We thought moving somewhere where the cost of living was cheaper, would help us move forward in our plans, life, dreams. And in theory, you'd think it would. But in reality you should also look at what the growth of said place is. If there's no future there, there's no room for anyone to move forward. You will become stuck, like the environment around you.

And after making so many choices, that end badly, you fill with doubt and immobilizing fear of doing it again. And going even further down than were you are.

Did I get too comfortable? Why do I now fear change? Have I become complacent? Should I learn to embrace it all? How?

Just over a month from now, we have to be out of our house. We've known for about a month. We have been looking for somewhere to move to. But with no luck. We've started to resign to the fact we may be back to where we started, when arrived here. Back in the trailer park. If there is an opening. A bit of me feels a sense of relief, at least it's a plan. And part of me fears what will go wrong. And what of our other plans for the future? How do I trust we can manage those wisely? Or that they're even good plans, that we're not just making more mistakes.

I wish there was someone out there that could tell me if we're foolish, how we could do better, and where to start to change things for the better.

Today all I can do is let it all go again, care for my family and myself. To make it through today denial is my friend. I'll keep faking it till I make it. Hopefully that'll come soon.

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