I started out my career as a Mother classified as a "young/teen" mom, at the age of 16.Now 15 years later I have been "upgraded" to "average age" mom. And if my DH and I decide to ever have another (no sooner than 2-3 years) I'll be an "older" mom. I was "high" risk then and will be "high" risk again, in regards of the kind of medical care I receive. A recent chat thread I have read has me thinking about my journey- where I was, how far I've came, and where I will go from here.
When I had my 1st two I felt very alone and unsure of myself. I was the only one of me I knew.The internet just wasn't here yet and so the support I find online now was out of my reach then. I did it alone, having left the abusive relationship I had with their father, but I did what I felt was right, in terms of mothering. I became more confident with how I was doing and in finding myself.When my 3rd came along I wasn't alone.Her father and I had did what we could for ten years to make a "normal" home for the ever expanding family.
Being at home with my children was the best thing I could do for them and me. I became more informed on issues that were important and had a support network of other mothers around me. But I still had doubts and fears of doing wrong by them. I still viewed myself as that "teen" mom that was a plague on society- not as good as others and who's children wouldn't amount to anything. As a teen mom, the comments (both spoken and visual) I received from others smashed my already small self-esteem. The medias presentation of teen moms made the public views hard to live down. I skipped from teen mom to mom of many- another title with a bad rep. No inbetween.
Some may say "why then do you still have more babies, since its been such a drag?" Motherhood has not been a let down- motherhood is all about the learning for them and I. Society has a view point, a stereotype about motherhood- how it should be done, when, who, how many, etc., etc., etc. I am trying to break free and teach my daughters a different view. For example I recently had a conversation with my oldest about the fact that she doesn't have to have children EVER! That having children has become something that society has deemed as a when and not an if, and not all women need to "decide" to have children. It's a personal choice, not a have to. Don't conform! I don't. ; ) We mothers have to change society- and we'll do it one little person at a time. And through supporting each and letting each mommy know that there are others out there that love them unconditionally- both the young and old mommies!
I recently made the decision not to do anything permanent in the form of birth control. I had been considering essure but came to the conclusion that if I was having such strong feelings and doubts, than now is not the time. I love my children and all the ickies that go along with having them. I can't in my heart freely let that go- yet.I am not ready for my journey to be done, even knowing it will go on till the day I die. I am finally able to say I am comfortable in my mommy skin and love the mommy I've become. Thank you to my children for letting me be mommy.