Friday, February 25, 2011


That's how I'm feeling the last few days. Cynical. It starts out slowly...creeping its way in. Things in life start to add up and try as I might to push them back and make them no big deals they become that way. It may be a combo of hormones, lack of sleep and life in general, it may just be who I am. I may just be ungrateful for the life I have but it's a feeling I get into and goes away in a wink some days.

Maybe I shouldn't talk about, post about it or even let on I'm there. But I don't feel that way- I think it shows I'm human and I struggle. I'm not trying to be something I'm not, my life isn't perfect and is sometimes too much for me. Life is not all roses and I've been struggling with the same issues for 17 years. I think maybe there are others out there that need to hear this, to read this, to know someone else lives it. I know I need to let it out, to work through it in the open and not keep it inside- I don't keep it inside very well anyways, it leaks out, onto those around me, my family, my house, my cooking, and is not very pleasant. I get angry, I yell, I cry, I say "it's not fair" a lot. I definitely don't set a very good example for my kids.

Being cynical is a feeling, an emotion, for me. It can look like depression to others outside but it's not. There's more anger to it.I am judgemental of others, find it hard to have compassion for others, and just want it all to go to he- double hockey sticks. There are times where I do slip into depressive states- and ask why- why does life happen the way it happens. But I have the answer to most of the whys- Me. I've been given choices and made decisions- I wasn't just dealt a bad hand. I could change a lot of the situations in life but at the sacrifice of other things that are just as important, and even some more important as, another choice I make. And then again I may have the choices and may want to make other choices but sometimes the opportunities are just not there.

I'll tell you why this is not depression- or at least not a form to worry about. It's easy- I have no desire to hurt myself or others, it doesn't even enter my mind. What does is fleeing away with them all- to make life simpler. Go hide away and hope the world stops working as it is. I just get done with all the shit that goes around- politics, religion, war, school, and on and on. I wish to live 200 years ago when things were simpler. That's where I go. But I do come back. It may take a few days or a week but the fog lifts and I move on. Maybe I just close my eyes again and try to be blind to what is making life feel so shitty but I feel better. Till it all piles up again and the blind fold comes off.

What would resolve this? There's a long list of IFs that could- #1 being $$. My trigger seems to be bills and the lack of funds to pay them, the worry of how we'll pay that shut off notice and where the $$ will come from. DH recently was talking to a creditor, wanting to collect on his student loans (LOL like That will happen, especially since we can hardly keep the lights on! LOL)- and DH said to him (seriously said this to the guy- you have to know my husband to really believe he'd say it)"Well let me go out and shake our money tree and see what I can do for you...Oh Wait! it's winter in Minnesnowta and it's bare!" This comment makes me laugh now as it did then- but it's also the reality that triggers me. IF we had a money tree we could shake it when there was a need- new shoes for B, new pants for P, the first of the month to pay the rent and cover the bills, the extra money for gas- since it's gone up here $.30 in a day and a 1/2 and with it our gas expenses by $100/month. But we don't, and the best we can hope for is a pay raise, me going to work (doable but probably at the expense of J breastfeeding and then we'd add on the extra $$ for formula), or a job that'd pay $15+/hour. But like I said there's a long list of IFs that could smooth life out, for a while at least.

I just am feeling it again- the need for some stability and balance in life. I am so not feeling it right now- stability or balance, And am cynical. I know I know I hear it all the time This too shall pass, and it will but is it really passing or am I just stuffing it down again? I know the feelings will pass but life will still be there.

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