Wednesday, May 18, 2011

When Friendships End

I made a very hard choice yesterday.. I choose to end of friendship of 5 years. Normally when my friendships end it's because we just loose contact. I tried not to let that happen with this one. I reached out in ways that had worked before and avoided the ones that hadn't. But this one was causing me a lot of pain. I worried about her and saw her going to places I've seen her in before but knew she would never admit to. (Because I was there just a year ago with her, I tried to reach out then only to hear "I'm fine" but have my suspicions confirmed just a few months later.)

When I called my calls were unanswered and I got a cold shoulder whenever I tried other means. The only way she'd respond was when I needed advice on my life. (This is a very good thing but at the same time not conducive to a meaningful relationship- you start to feel like the only thing you can do is talk about you because they don't want to be open with you or talk about the real them. They avoid topics they don't want to hear about or things you may be seeing in them.) I start to feel like a vampire or leech. But what can you do? Keep pushing till you push them away and really be the "bad" guy? Or try and be the bigger person and say I can't do it anymore? I can't keep putting energy out there and not have it returned or wanted. I can't keep worrying and not be open and honest and say the things that worry me most. We had gotten to that point- where it was all superficious, where "How's the weather treating you?" is as deep as it gets. I don't have many close friends (I have a group of sisters and we are large) so I value them deeply and hurt badly when those friendships end.

At this point in time I am the one in the wrong, because I didn't like being dictated to that I could only text or FB message her, because she states that I had expectations of her always being there for me. But really that was not at all it was about. IT was about her picking and choosing how and when she wanted to be friends. She and I are in similar boats when it comes to finances- neither of us have extra money to spend on anything and I never asked her to go beyond her means (in fact I tried to accommodate her when buying from her business but got burned and am out money) or even make time for us. I know she's busy much like we are. All I really wanted was for her to show that we weren't just FB friends and that our lives were still important. That she valued me as much as I valued her.  I expect people to do what they say they're going to do- swim dates or sleepovers.But I'm selfish like that.

And now I get to walk my youngest daughter through why her daughter is no longer her friend- one of her best friends and longest friend ever. Why her or her mom deleted her off her FB list. She is the biggest victim here. And if I could take it all back, just for her, I would because she matters. And doesn't deserve to be hurting like I am. It's funny the last time my friend and I were together we talked about how one of her daughter's friends had a mother that made so much drama between the girls and acted as if she herself (the mother) was 10. And how it upset her to see her daughter hurt by this little girl and little girl mother. The tables can turn so quickly.

I'm still sad today. I lost one of MY best friends- the woman I asked to be at the birth of both my youngest sons and stand up for me at my wedding. I miss that woman with all my heart. But she hasn't been that woman in a long time.

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