I start blog posts and it can takes days to finish, if I ever do. I start in one frame of mind, or emotion, and get interrupted, come back in a different mood and either can't get back into it or finish it out to be done. (You can probably see that in my last post.)
And sometimes that's how a whole day can go for me. Start in a good place, or bad, and have one minor upset and wham its gone. This can happen multiple times in a day.
Its very disconcerting. And very hard to live with, live watching myself yo-yo.
As I wrote my last post, and I really realized how much i've changed and how easily I am affected/overwhelmed by the slightest things, I knew I was/am suffering from something. Something other than just a self induced bad mood or negative mindset.
Depression doesn't feel right. Or more precise, complete. There are times, days even, I go about hopeful, thankful and full of joy. And then snap! I'm triggered, by a thought, a conversation, something I read. Usually whatever it is, is related to staying here, not being able to move away soon or just feeling trapped.
And it's not always a depressive state, actually its not usually. It's a high level of anxiety, anger, a feeling to flee, or avoidence of the topic. There a things I don't want to remember about this place. And before my family ever came to visit, I didn't want them to come, I didn't want them to have memories of us here. This chapter of my life feels very traumatic.
I can't pinpoint an exact situation or moment, as The Event, that brought about these feelings, reactions. But I can say it started sometime in the first month we got here. That's when I had my first break. My adult meltdown. The worst being shortly after we moved in here. They've been less "big" but more frequent. Feeling less hopeless/despondant and more angry/trapped.
The depressive moods are still there. The feeling of having no support hits and it comes on. The beginning of July was bad. It got hot here and stayed hot. Baby A nursed more often, but my body couldnt keep up. She looked thinner, and I worried. I started to supplement her with formula. Then she went on a nursing strike. Less nursing equals even less milk. We finally fought through the strike. But my supply hasn't increased. I'm still struggling, with acceptance of this, trying to increase my supply and feeling like i'm failing her. Feeling like i'm going this alone. Why this story? Because its an example of how this part of my life is affecting me and of me trying to self diagnose.
Is part of what i'm going through physical? Do I have a hormonal imbalance, blood sugars off, a festering growth somewhere inside me? Am I eating wrong, not getting enough exercise or sleep? Depression can cause all these things too. But its not a sinking constant feeling. There are days of joy, of being relaxed, of calm. And then a trigger.
I keep coming back to these triggers, they're always the same thing. Being stuck and having no light. No control over anything in life. Scared of here. Of something holding us here, holding us back. Of being tied here Forever! It feels traumatizing, this thought. I still dream of the future, hope for good things to come, appreciate when our luck seems to be shifting. I start to see a light at the end.
And then BAM! something unexpected, out of my control happens. And I'm back to where I was. And can't put into words well whats happening to me.
When writing my last post, a thought snuck in, and compelled me to look further into it. I am not a medical professional nor a psychologist, so I don't want to commit to what I found being "This is It!" But it does make me feel I could be onto something and keep my mind open, maybe act as if and use the information i've found to help myself. Maybe begin to heal and move forward, at least be more understanding of myself.
Most people think of war vets or crime victims when they think of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But any traumatizing event, where someone feels they have no control can cause it. And my life has been this way (out of control) for a year and a half now. An almost constant state of flux. With each event bigger than the last. These things are my triggers. Thoughts of these things, mention of them, and my blood pressure rises, anxiety sets in and I want to flee.
I'm not saying this is the be all answer, but at least its an idea that brings me hope and light. And a better sense of the answer to my constant question of "What's wrong with me? Why am I acting like this?"
I used to be a strong, independent, and in control person. Now i'm not and I dont like the new me. She scares me. But maybe now, if I follow this and any other information I gather, I can start to take baby steps forward and understand myself better. Heal myself. Become who I once was. She's still in there.