Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The State of Things Today (8/14/12)

Since putting out there my self dx things have been better. I don't know if it was the act of voicing it, the communication from friends, or just healing beginning. But i've only had a few tough moments since.

Most of these moments have come surrounding change of course. The girls heading back to school. The decision to home school O. Dh turning in his 2 week notice at job #1, because it causes him much stress and job #2 is that good he doesn't need 2 jobs. The uncertainties creep in and I start to over analyze and worry. But i've been able to see the good, seek out help when I can't, and need help. And not let it consume my whole day, life.

I know there will come situations that will bring it back, if I start thinking too far ahead so for now its day by day. Moment by moment.

I haven't touched much on my marriage here, not much at least lately. The stress has taken its toll. Its not only hit me hard, but my dh too. And as a result our marriage has moved to places we've never been before. And its harder than ever.

Where my husband used to be my superman in all things (and in some places he still is), he is now not so much. I never thought of him as prefect, no one is. We're all human. But he didn't do things other men i've know have. And he did things that others didn't. I appreciated his honesty and integrity the most. I was able to trust him like no other person, ever. How easily that can be broken, with one small action, is amazing.

There are a few values I live by and am trying to install into my children. 2 of which are honesty and not being judgmental of others. I hate that those values are so forgotten these days. And to have those disappear from my husband (even just in a lapse of stupidity) is a relationship changer.

He got caught (by me) in a stupid lie. A situation that never needed to be lied about in the first place. And now we're trying to recover. But the thing about lies is- how can you trust anything they're saying is true. I can forgive easily, but forgetting is hard. There will always be uncertainty. I'm a thinker, probably too much so. I've been lied to before by others, and gaining that trust back, no matter how hard I want to give it back, is not easy. He stated "That was the worst decision of my life" and all I could respond was "yes , it was".

This won't break us now. But it does change things, for the worse. Will it make us stronger eventually? I don't know honestly. But in the short term- no, it divides us. Brings with it something I normally can't tolerate, or get through. I, we, are being tested again. Just another thing I have to take day by day, one step at a time. Push forward.

When my life path reaches its next goal, hopefully  i'll have learned much, healed much and be stronger from all the trials. I'll have survived to love and live life, and its simplicities, with gratitude.

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